Apology

Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever...
She said, she's sorry she ever married me.

Public Stock

A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man. He says to her, "What's going on?" She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"

Waking Grumpy

Marriage counselor to female client: Maybe your problem is that you've been waking up grumpy every morning.
Client: No, I always let him sleep.