Women Get

When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing.
What does she get? The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.

Taste Test

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones, and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time. "Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
My husband hasn't worked in 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. He's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand-daughters.  I know because he brags about it. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and ugly face turn him off!  Should I clobber him with my frying pan or should I leave him Abby?
Your advice will be appreciated,
Mad as Hell.
Dear Mad as Hell,
You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, that will only make things worse. Remember, you`re running for President of the United States, so try acting like it! 
Abby