S & M

My wife and I are into S & M she sleeps and I masturbate.

A painful adjustment

Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had to ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride. "Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser."  I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it;  that he could always say he left her some spending money. "No no !" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change."

Abdominal Pain Treatment

A guy suffers from extreme abdominal pain and sees a doctor. The doctor says that medicated rectal inserts should rectify the problem. After performing the initial insertion, the doctor explains that the second should be inserted before bed. That night, the man asks his wife to help him. His wife puts a hand on his shoulder to steady him and inserts the medicine. He lets out a wail. "Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No -- I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"