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Relationship Jokes - Marriage Jokes
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I finally found a woman like my mom. This woman acts like her, looks like her, and smells like her. I decided to take this woman home, and for some reason my father doesn't like her!
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CHOCOLATE
Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible. It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?" Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough.
copyright(c) John Scalzi John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
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Wedding Toasts 3
Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).
Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy... by remaining a bachelor.
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do... but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.
Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!
Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But we'll be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!
From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.
Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."
Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.
Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.
Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!
Hope all your Tries are not converted. Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy... It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.
It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.
It's always fun to ask at the reception, "What time's the grand opening?" Or after the honeymoon, "Glad to see you back on your feet."
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got...
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