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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Divorce Infraction

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.  During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions."Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and 'not to worry.'"  "I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge. "Wait, there's more.  When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."  "THAT'S when I hit him!"

Farmer Filing for Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Intelligence Gone

Q: What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?

A: Divorced.

Woman With Lost Intelligence

Q: What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A: Divorced

Wedding Definitions

  • Bachelor: ?
  1. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
  2. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
  3. A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction.
  4. A man who never makes the same mistake once.
  5. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
  6. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
  7. A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce..
  8. The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
  • Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
  • Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
  • Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.
  • Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife where by they agree to let her have her own way.
  • Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
  • Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.
  • Gentleman:
  1. A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
  2. A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
  • Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.
  • Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
  • Husband:
  1. A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
  2. A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
  3. A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him.
  4. A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss.
  5. A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
  • Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.
  • Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
  • Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.
  • Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.
  • Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
  • Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
  • Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
  • Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
  • Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
  • Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.
  • Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  • Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
  • Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
  • Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.
  • Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.
  • Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.
  • Wife:
  1. A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
  2. The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.
  • Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.
  • Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.