The Divorce Infraction
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer. During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions."Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and 'not to worry.'" "I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge. "Wait, there's more. When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's." "THAT'S when I hit him!"
Farmer Filing for Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Q: What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
Woman With Lost Intelligence
Q: What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
- Bachelor: ?
- A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
- A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction.
- A man who never makes the same mistake once.
- A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
- A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
- A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce..
- The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
- Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
- Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.
- Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife where by they agree to let her have her own way.
- Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
- Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.
- A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
- A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
- Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.
- Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
- A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
- A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
- A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him.
- A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss.
- A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
- Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.
- Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
- Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.
- Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.
- Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
- Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
- Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
- Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
- Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
- Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.
- Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
- Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
- Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.
- Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.
- Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.
- A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
- The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.
- Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.
- Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.