Bad Date Signs!

• Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.
• You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
• She has a thicker mustache than you.
• When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
• You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
• Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
• You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
• At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
• She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
• You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
• At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
• She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan.
• She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her.
• She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you.
• She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

Memory Tricks

Asked my girlfriend about the biggest erection she'd ever seen.
She had to think long and hard.

Sharing The Remote

You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.