Traveling Salesman

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.
"You rotten bastard!" yelled the husband. "I'm going to kill you!"
"Wait!" said Mrs. Jones. "You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me. And that diamond ring we sold for $1000s? Well, he gave it to me. And remember when we couldn't afford a new car, and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me."
After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaimed, "For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here. Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"

What Not To Say During Sex

• But everybody looks funny naked!
• You woke me up for that?
• Did I mention the video camera?
• Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet)
• And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose.
• A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
• Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
• Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
• But whipped cream makes me break out.
• Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
• Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
• Can you please pass me the remote control?
• Do you accept Visa?
• On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
• And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
• So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint)
• Try not to leave any stains, okay?
• Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
• Do you get any premium movie channels?
• Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
• (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
• Got any penicillin?
• But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
• I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
• I want a baby!
• Why am I doing all the work?
• Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
• Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
• I think you have it on backwards.
• When is this supposed to feel good?
• Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
• You're good enough to do this for a living!
• Is that blood on the headboard?
• Did I remember to take my pill?
• Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
• I wish we got the Playboy channel...
• That leak better be from the waterbed!
• I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
• But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
• No, really... I do this part better myself!
• It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
• This would be more fun with a few more people.
• You're almost as good as my ex!
• Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
• Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
• You look younger than you feel.
• Perhaps you're just out of practice.
• You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
• They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
• Now I know why he/she dumped you...
• Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
• You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
• What tampon?
• Have you ever considered liposuction?
• And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
• What are you planning to make for breakfast?
• I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
• Are those real or am I just behind the times?
• Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
• Is that a hanging sculpture?
• You'll still vote for me, won't you?
• Did I mention my transsexual operation?
• I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
• Did you come yet, dear?
• I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
• A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
• Does this count as a date?
• Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic!
• I need another beer for this please.
• I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
• You can cook, too right?
• When would you like to meet my parents?
• Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
• Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
• Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
• Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
• Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
• I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
• Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
• Sorry but I don't do toes!
• You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
• Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly,
• I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
• I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
• So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
• My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
• Is this a sin too?
• I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
• Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
• Long kisses clog my sinuses...
• Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
• How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
• You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Weather Bureau

Wife: Who was that on the phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...