Expensive Date

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, "Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?" She answered, "Because I'm a prostitute."

The Dreams

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days. The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night. The husband asked her about what. She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00. The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes! Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that "I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00. The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for. Sell? The didn't sell yours... where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

Newspaper Ad Looking for a Man

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper that reads:

Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.
Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?!?”