Did You Hear The News

"Did ya hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"

Off The Field

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous." There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door. The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

You Might Be A Redneck 37

You might be a redneck if...

• The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."
• You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
• You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
• Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
• Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
• Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
• After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
• You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
• You pick up your girlfriend on a bike for the prom.
• The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.