Husband's Average Income?

Income tax examiner: What's your husband's average income?
Wife: Oh, about midnight.

Best Foot Forward

Q: What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
A: It ends up in his mouth!

Dead Mailman

A couple drives to the hospital, as the wife is in labor. The doctor alerts them that she invented a machine that will transfer some of the labor pain to the father, if they'd like. The husband eagerly says, "Give it all to me!" The couple returns home with a bouncing baby boy, only to find the mailman dead on their lawn.