What Girls Really Mean

Can't we just be friends? (There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine.)
I just need some space. (... without you in it.)
Do I look fat in this dress? (We haven't had a fight in a while.)

I don't know, what do you want to do? (I can't believe you have nothing planned.)
I like you, but... (I don't like you.)

Of course I love you. (... just not in that way.)

You never listen. (You never listen.)
We're moving too quickly. (I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.)
Oh, no, I'll pay for myself. (There's no way I'm letting you think this is a date.)

Oh yes! Right there! (Well, near there, I just want to get this over with.)

I'm just going out with the girls. (We're gonna get drunk and make fun of you and your friends.)

Lost Voice

"Doctor! My wife has lost her voice. What can I do to help her get it back!" "Try coming home at 3 in the morning."

Irish Couple

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls," received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels. "Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you." The husband replied, "If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."