A Fair Price

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . . the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

A Wife Defined

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

Incompatible

Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone:
My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole!