Crumpled Up

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited. "Well go look in the garage," she said.

Can't Win

My girlfriend got annoyed because I didn't have a pet name for her, then went crazy when I started calling her "Rover"

A Horrible Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".