Locate your Heart

An old lady's husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to live anymore. She called the doctor and asked exactly where her heart was. He told her it should be under her left breast. That night she went to the emergency room with a gun shot in the knee.

Goodwill

Wife: I have a bag full of clothes I'd like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? It's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

Improving

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.  After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse. "I just don't know what to do with you!" he said, shaking his head.  We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.""I know, I know..." acknowledged the wife contritely. "But at least I'm cutting back!"