More Hose

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1," and his wife took off all here clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to screw.
After 2 minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4."
"What's this Bell 4?" asked her husband.
"More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!"

The Golfers

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?" George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked. George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…" Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed." George said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed." "What if she’s lying on her back?" George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"

In West Kerry

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."