Women...Rules Men Wish You Would Learn!

• If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
• Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
• Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.
• ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
• Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
• No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
• Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.
• Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
• "Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.
• A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
• Check your oil.
• Don't give us rules.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
• Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 2 days.
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
• Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

Two Men Discussing Their Lives

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear. "The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

Locate your Heart

An old lady's husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to live anymore. She called the doctor and asked exactly where her heart was. He told her it should be under her left breast. That night she went to the emergency room with a gun shot in the knee.