What Really Pissed Me Off

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender. "It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender. ''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!" ''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood." ''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!'' ''Damn, that really is a drag!'' ''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!'' ''That would sure mess up my day." ''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''

Needs Ironing

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the same hotel in the same room where they spent their wedding night. In honor of the occasion, she bought a $400.00 silk see-through negligee. After taking off her clothes in the bathroom, she realized that she had left the negligee in the suitcase. Coming out of the bathroom to get it, her husband remarked, "Geez, for $400.00, you'd think they could have ironed the damn thing!"

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.
Old Man Grump's - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogy, Slow Mover.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass.
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how," Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Foo.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grump's".
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.