Black Eye

First man: How'd you get that black eye?
Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore.
First man: She punched you?
Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.

Say Something Nice

A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, "Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a compliment right about now." The husband replied, "You have really good eye - sight!"

Bartender Payback

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent."
"One cent?! That's awesome!" exclaimed the guy. He glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"
"Certainly, sir. That'll be four cents," replies the bartender.
"Four cents!?" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business."