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The best jokes and joke writers!

Ladies Man

The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies? man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress. "So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned. "Actually, sir," she pointed out, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn't even born yet."

World's Worst Pick-up Lines

  • I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
  • Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
  • Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
  • Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
  • I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
  • I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
  • My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
  • Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
  • I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
  • If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
  • Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
  • Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
  • Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.
  • I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
  • If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
  • I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
  • You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
  • Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
  • I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.
  • The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
  • Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.


Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.


Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.


Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.


Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unferrtilized.


Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.


Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?


Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Wood Eye

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked. She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her, "BIG NOSE!"

Hard Drive Upgrade

My hard drive upgrades every time I look at you.