Crow Vision

My mom has crows feet in the corner of her eyes.
They really don't suit her. I told her she was too old for a facial tattoo.

Getting Old

You know you're not a kid anymore when...

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
• You call Olan Mills before they call you.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You make an appointment to see the dentist.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• Neighbors borrow your tools.
• People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"
• You have dreams about prunes.
• You answer a question with "because i said so!"
• You send money to PBS.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You know what the word "equity" means.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."
• You go bowling without drinking.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

1970 vs. 2000

1970: Long Hair - 2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high. - 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg. - 2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool. - 2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot. - 2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge. - 2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. - 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. - 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems. - 2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2000: Popping joints.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. - 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Paar. - 2000: AARP.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine. - 2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed. - 2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW. - 2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead. - 2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. - 2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones. - 2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office. - 2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system! - 2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign. - 2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. - 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid. - 2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test. - 2000: Passing the vision test.
1970: "Whatever" - 2000: "Depends"