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The best jokes and joke writers!

Late Payment Letter

Gentlemen:

I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.

  • In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit.
  • In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.
  • In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death.
  • In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
  • In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
  • In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.
  • The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.
  • In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldn't sell it.

So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I'd have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.

Yours for more credit,

Max

Poor Man to the Pub

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.'' The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?'' The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

Yo Mama - Layaway

Yo mama so poor, she puts McDonald's dollar meals on layaway.

You Might Be A Redneck 56

You might be a redneck if...

  • The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
  • You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
  • You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
  • You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
  • You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
  • You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
  • Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
  • Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
  • You have to stop a leak in your flat-bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
  • You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

Money Quotes

  • Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. J. Paul Getty
  • A man explained inflation to his wife thus, 'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.' Lord Barnett
  • Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. Rita Rudner
  • If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. Dorothy Parker
  • My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. Errol Flynn