Show Me The Money!
- A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere!
- A fool and his money are soon elected.
- A fool and his money are soon popular.
- A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
- If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
- All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
- Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH!
- Even the blind can see money.
- Expert - Someone who knows less, but makes more money.
- It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
- Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
- Money burns a hole in my pocket... how about yours?
- Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it.
- Money is the root of all bills.
- Money may buy "friendship," but it cannot buy love.
- Money Talks - and it usually says NO!!
- Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.
- Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money.
- This country has the best politicians money can buy.
- Time and Money. Two things we don't have enough of....
- Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory.
- Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington D.C.
- When money talks, it usually says "Bend over."
- You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back!
- Alimony? ... sounds kind like all your money
- No one kills over drugs ... They kill over money.
- Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
The Joy of Being Self-employed
The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a commercial boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to St. John's to investigate him.
Government agent: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand; he's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite beers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
Reward Soldiers for Their Work
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!" General: "That's a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
I.R.S. Parking Tickets
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Boston Globe, April 13, 1990 "Is there justice in this world?"
Well, in Jacksonville, Fla., an Internal Revenue Service car parked outside the federal courthouse was "booted" for unpaid parking tickets, forcing tax collectors to fork over $122.50 to set it free. The IRS had to pay $95 for five tickets, a $25 removal fee plus $2.50 for processing to get the boot taken off, said Gertrude Bradley, clerical supervisor for the city parking division. With the tax-filing deadline closing in, courthouse employees were chuckling about the IRS' misfortune. But the agency was not amused. "We're not pleased with it," said spokesman Holger Euringer. Yeah, we're all really upset.
Mystery Lover's Tip
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, ''I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.'' The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, ''Follow me.'' The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. ''Thanks so much,'' says the theatergoer, ''This seat is perfect.'' He then hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, ''The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.''