Bums' Dirty Pants

Once upon a time there were these two bums walking down the railroad tracks, and the first bum, Fred, thought he smelled a nasty old smell. He asked his companion, Jeff, ''Did you shit your pants?'' ''Hell no,'' Jeff said. They walked a few more miles and the smell got worse. ''Did you shit your pants, Jeff?'' ''I swear to the God almighty I did not shit my pants,'' Jeff said.
So they walk three more miles and the smell gets just horrible. Fred runs over and pulls down Jeff's pants and says, ''I thought you said you didn't shit your pants?!'' ''I didn't.'' Jeff said. ''They're your pants.''

To Have Him Back

"Oh, Laura!" cried her neighbor, "I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. He was such a wonderful man. I'm sure he left you well provided for, didn't he?" Laura dabbed at her eyes and muttered, "Yes, he was a very caring husband and he left me almost half a million dollars in his will. I miss him so much that I'd give fifty thousand just to have him back!"

Understanding Your Paycheck

Gross pay: $1222.02
Income Tax - $244.40
Outgo Tax - $45.21
State Tax - $61.10
Interstate Tax - $5.89
County Tax - $6.11
City Tax - $12.22
Rual Tax - $4.44
Back Tax - $1.11
Front Tax - $1.16
Side tax - $1.61
Up Tax - $2.22
Down Tax - $1.11
Knickknack Tax - $1.98
Hackensack Tax - $3.93
Thumb Tax - $0.98
Carpet Tax - $0.69
Snack Tax - $8.32
Surtax - $3.46
Ma'am Tax - $3.46
Parking Fee - $5.00
No Parking Fee - $10.00
F.I.C.A. - $81.88
T.G.I.F - $9.95
Life Ins. - $5.85
Health Ins. - $16.23
Disability Ins. - $2.50
Ability Ins. - $0.25
Liability Ins. - $3.41
Dental Ins.  - $4.50
Mental Ins. - $4.33
Fundamental Ins. - $0.11
Coffee  - $6.85
Coffee Cups - $66.51
Calendar Rental - $3.06
Floor Rental - $16.85
Chair Rental - $4.32
Desk Rental - $4.32
Union Dues - $5.85
Union Don'ts - $0.77
Cash Advances - $0.69
Cash Retreats - $121.35
Overtime - $1.26
Undertime - $54.83
Eastern Time - $9.00
Central Time - $8.00
Mountain Time - $7.00
Pacific Time - $6.00
Daylight Savings Time - $4.44
Time Out - $12.21
Oxygen - $10.22
Water - $16.54
Electricity - $38.23
Heat - $51.42
Air Conditioning - $46.83
Misc. - $169.24
Total Take Home Pay = $0000.02
This is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from.