Daddy Going to War
The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.
During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA would finally read it.
Laws of Life
Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.
Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The Ultimate Law: All general statements are false.
Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.
Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.
Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Rule of Accuracy: When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit.
Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.
O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.
Murphy's 3rd Military Law: Friendly fire ain't.
Murphy's 4th Military Law: The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
Murphy's 5th Military Law: The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
Murphy's 6th Military Law: The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
Murphy's 7th Military Law: The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Murphy's 8th Military Law: Incoming fire has the right of way.
Murphy's 9th Military Law: If your advance is going well, you're walking into an ambush.
Murphy's 10th Military Law: The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.
Murphy's 11th Military Law: If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
Murphy's 13th Military Law: The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.
Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.
Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Perkin's Postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Horngren's Observation (generalized): The real world is a special case.
Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.
Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get.
Alan's Law: All things being equal, you lose.
Q: What's the shortest book ever written?
A: French War Heroes.
Q: What are the Iraqi military rules of engagement?
A: If it doesn't move, hide behind it. If it does move, surrender to it.
Iraqi Military Motto: I came I saw I took my American truck and drove home.