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The best jokes and joke writers!

Daddy Going to War

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy." 

NSA Present

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA would finally read it.

Laws of Life

Katz's Law:  Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:  Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Sattinger's Law:  It works better if you plug it in.

Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom):  When all else fails, read the instructions.

Beckhap's Law:  Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Jone's Motto:  Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Ultimate Law:  All general statements are false.

Knight's Law:  Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.

Krueger's Observation:  A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley's Law of Distinction:  There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.

Harver's Law:  A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Rule of Accuracy:  When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Finagle's First Law:  If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Rudin's Law:  In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:  You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit.

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law:  Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary:  Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy's Constant:  Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Firestone's Law of Forecasting:  Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Ralph's Observation:  It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

Murphy's 3rd Military Law:  Friendly fire ain't.

Murphy's 4th Military Law:  The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Murphy's 5th Military Law:  The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

Murphy's 6th Military Law:  The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy's 7th Military Law:  The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy's 8th Military Law:  Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy's 9th Military Law:  If your advance is going well, you're walking into an ambush.

Murphy's 10th Military Law:  The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy's 11th Military Law:  If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy's 13th Military Law:  The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.

Clarke's Third Law:  Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Weiler's Law:  Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Peter's Placebo:  An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:  People are always available for work in the past tense.

Grossman's Misquote:  Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Ducharme's Precept:  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Perkin's Postulate:  The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Conway's Law:  In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction:  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Horngren's Observation (generalized):  The real world is a special case.

Shirley's Law:  Most people deserve each other.

Gold's Law:  If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Colson's Law:  When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law:  People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Mencken's Metalaw:  For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareid's Law:  The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau's Law:  If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Gerrold's Pronouncement:  The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Hane's Law:  There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Alan's Law:  All things being equal, you lose.

French Joke

Q: What's the shortest book ever written?

A: French War Heroes.

Iraqi Military

Q: What are the Iraqi military rules of engagement?

A: If it doesn't move, hide behind it. If it does move, surrender to it.

Iraqi Military Motto: I came I saw I took my American truck and drove home.