Down and Dirty!

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path. "Oh, my," exclaimed the lady, "Come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter. She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling... Pssssst... "Hey, lady!" "Yes?" she responded. "Do you have a Kleenex?" asked the voice from the bushes. "No, not anymore," she answered. "Damn! Have ya' seen any Ducks?"

Nose Picking Glossary

• THE KIDDIE PICK... When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
• CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK... When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
• FAKE NOSE SCRATCH... When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
• MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT... You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
• SURPRISE PICKINGS... When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
• AUTO PICK... The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.
• PICK YOUR BRAINS... Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
• PICK AND SAVE... When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
• PICK AND ROLL... No explanation needed.
• PICK AND FLICK... Ditto.
• PICK AND STICK... You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
• PAY DIRT... The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

A Blond's Virginity

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.