Stupid Insults

• Slow out of the gate.
• Smarter than the average bear.
• Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
• So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
• So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
• So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
• So dumb, he faxes face up.
• So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
• So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
• So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
• So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
• So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
• So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
• So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
• So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
• Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
• Some Assembly Required.
• Some bugs in his software.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
• Some of her inodes have nodded off.
• Some pages missing.
• Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
• Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
• Someday when she's younger...
• Someone blew out his pilot light.
• Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
• Someone let the air out of her lock.
• Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
• Source code is missing a few lines.
• Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.

11 Ponderings Collection

Ponderings Collection

1. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
2. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
3. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
7. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
8. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
9. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
10. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
11. Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? 

Jumper Cables

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."