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The best jokes and joke writers!

Ladies Man

The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies? man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress. "So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned. "Actually, sir," she pointed out, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn't even born yet."

World's Worst Pick-up Lines

  • I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
  • Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
  • Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
  • Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
  • I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
  • I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
  • My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
  • Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
  • I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
  • If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
  • Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
  • Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
  • Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.
  • I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
  • If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
  • I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
  • You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
  • Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
  • I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.
  • The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
  • Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Pick up Fail!

After hearing a pick-up line:

Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

No Parking

Q: What sign were you born under?

A: No Parking.

French Good Bye

Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)

Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear)