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The best jokes and joke writers!

I'd Love To But... (Pt III)

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to. I'D LOVE TO BUT:

  • I have to go to court for kitty littering.
  • I have to jog my memory.
  • I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
  • I have to rotate my crops.
  • I have to sit up with a sick ant.
  • I have to stay home and see if I snore.
  • I have to study for a blood test.
  • I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
  • I prefer to remain an enigma.
  • I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).
  • I'm going to be old someday.
  • I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
  • I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
  • I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
  • I'm trying to cut down.
  • I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.
  • I've been traded to Cincinnati.
  • My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
  • Mmy favorite commercial is on TV.
  • My uncle escaped... again.
  • Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.

Ladies Man

The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies? man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress. "So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned. "Actually, sir," she pointed out, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn't even born yet."

World's Worst Pick-up Lines

  • I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
  • Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
  • Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
  • Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
  • I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
  • I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
  • My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
  • Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
  • I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
  • If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
  • Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
  • Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
  • Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.
  • I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
  • If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
  • I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
  • You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
  • Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
  • I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.
  • The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
  • Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Pick up Fail!

After hearing a pick-up line:

Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

No Parking

Q: What sign were you born under?

A: No Parking.