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The best jokes and joke writers!

Austrian Hotel

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."


Sign in a restaurant: "We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."

Actual Signs

  • Sign in a realtor's office: "Lots for little."
  • Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."
  • Sign in a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."
  • Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  • Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."
  • Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."
  • Sign at the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."
  • Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."
  • Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

Restaurant Sign

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone: 99 Cents." (Then, in fine print underneath: "With meat: $14.95").

True Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
  • On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
  • At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
  • On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
  • In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
  • In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
  • On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ear piercings"