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The best jokes and joke writers!

True Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
  • On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
  • At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
  • On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
  • In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
  • In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
  • On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ear piercings"

Bumper Sticker Variety

Where there's a will...I want to be on it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Eschew obfuscation. 

Bumper Sticker Lines Continued

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Make yourself at home ... clean my kitchen. 

Allow me to introduce my selves. 

Better living through denial. 

I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up...

Chaos. Panic. Disorder.

My work here is done Too many freaks not enough circuses. 

Real Advertisements - 5

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

  • Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
  • Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
  • Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
  • And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
  • We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
  • Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting - off - head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
  • For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
  • Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
  • Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Bumper Stickers

  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  • A penny saved is ridiculous.
  • All that glitters has a high refractive index.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Anarchy is better than no government at all.
  • Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
  • Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.