Try Joining the Mafia

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia. He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia." The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?" Artie answers, "No." The guy says, "Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money." So Artie says, "How much will you pay me?" The guy says, "I'm not gonna pay you." Artie says, "C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in." The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar." Artie says, "Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death. The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death. In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!" 

Twins

Headline in today's newspaper:  "Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake"!

Signs and Notices 13

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
• At fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
• Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
• In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summer suit. Because in big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
• From the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
• In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
• In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
• In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."