Kewl Job Application!

NAME: Iam Applyin
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

• SALARY: Less than I'm worth
• MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
• REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:  The nearest hospital comes to mind.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:  Sagitarian with Cancer rising.

Women Seeking Men: The Truth

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
40-ish means: 48.
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will.
Affectionate means: Possessive.
Artist means: Unreliable.
Average looking means: You figure this one out.
Beautiful means: Pathological liar.
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise.
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin.
Educated means: College drop-out.
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated.
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home.
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob.
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola.
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian.
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street.
Free spirit means: Substance abuser.
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut.
Fun means: Annoying.
Gentle means: Comatose.
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her.
Humorous means: Caustic.
Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count.
In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills.
Light drinker means: Lush.
Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light.
Loves Travel means: If you're paying.
Loves Animals means: Cat lady.
Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement.
Open-minded means: Desperate.
Outgoing means: Loud.
Passionate means: Loud.
Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic.
Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle.
Reliable means: Frumpy.
Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out.
Romantic means: Looks better by candle light.
Self-employed means: Jobless.
Smart means: Insipid.
Special means: Rode the small school bus w/ tinted windows.
Spiritual means: Involved with a cult.
Stable means: Boring.
Tall, thin means: Anorexic.
Tan means: Wrinkled.
Wants Soul mate means: One step away from stalking.
Widow means: Nagged first husband to death.
Writer means: Pompous.
Young at heart means: How about the rest.

Classified Error

• (Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
• (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
• (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
• (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."