Too Good To Be True
A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness." The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table." The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid." "That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?" "No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
Giovanni and Lothario
It is Renaissance Italy and Lothario and his friend Giovanni sit at a table outside a cafe in Venice. Lothario enjoys his coffee while Giovanni, obviously depressed, sits staring into his. Lothario notices that Giovanni is upset and asks, "Giovanni, why are you so depressed?" Giovanni looks at him and says, "Lothario, you see this canal we sit beside, this beautiful Venician canal? I Giovanni designed and built this canal. Do they call me Giovanni the canal builder? No they do not." Giovanni points to a bridge a short way from the cafe. "You see that bridge Lothario? I, Giovanni, designed and built that beautiful bridge and many others like it, but do they call me Giovanni the bridge builder? No they do not" Giovanni then gestures at the buildings that surround them "These houses, these beautiful houses of Venice. I, Giovanni designed and built these houses and do they call me Giovanni the house builder? No they do not. But I screw one sheep..."
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?" "Shuddup an lissin! Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos." "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then...pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"
An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.
They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”
After a short pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
“No. I’m Swedish.”
Three spies are arrested during WWII. One spy is French, one is Polish and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the Polish spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing him. 4 hours go by and the Italian spy isn't talking then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The Polish and French spies are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, "I wanted to, but I couldn't move my hands!"