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The best jokes and joke writers!

Addiction Quips

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips?

  • The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.
  • The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
  • You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"
  • You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
  • The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.
  • You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!
  • Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."
  • You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
  • You scan restroom stalls for hot HTML addresses.
  • You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
  • You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...
  • You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.
  • Your dog has its own home page.
  • You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
  • You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
  • Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
  • You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon."
  • You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
  • Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
  • Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
  • Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Getting Married

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

St. Patrick's Day Parade

Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk. The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, "Man... you think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?"

Olympic Swimmer

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places.
When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."

Brand New Drugs on the Market

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society:

  • DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
  • PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
  • CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
  • COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. * Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
  • BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
  • NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on former U.S. president, Bill Clinton.
  • NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
  • FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
  • FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
  • PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors".
  • LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.