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Yo Mama - Marijuana

Yo' Mama is like marijuana -- everyone does her, but no one admits it.

Addiction Quips

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips?

  • The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.
  • The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
  • You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"
  • You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
  • The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.
  • You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!
  • Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."
  • You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
  • You scan restroom stalls for hot HTML addresses.
  • You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
  • You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...
  • You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.
  • Your dog has its own home page.
  • You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
  • You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
  • Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
  • You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon."
  • You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
  • Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
  • Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
  • Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Brand New Drugs on the Market

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society:

  • DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
  • PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
  • CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
  • COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. * Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
  • BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
  • NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on former U.S. president, Bill Clinton.
  • NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
  • FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
  • FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
  • PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors".
  • LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

True Redneck Girl

Q: How do you know when you have a true redneck girl?

A: When she can chew tabacco and give you a blow job at the same time, and knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.

Oh Marie

One day at church, John asked Marie out to dinner. She accepted and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner at a very nice restaurant. When they sat down, John said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a joint.  "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like to get high?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed a motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a hard U-turn and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John woke up first. He tenderly shook Marie and said, "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them......... You don't have to drink or do drugs to have a good time.