Pine Scents

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff. The Avon lady realized this was an excellent opportunity to get candid customer feedback and asked, "Do you smell something?" "Why, yes, I do," he replied. "What does it smell like?" "Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit a pine tree."

Bubba and Junior

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!" So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign." Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

Mental Health Patient

It was dusk time when a man had a flat tire right in front of a mental health hospital. After unscrewing the four nuts of the flat tire, he noticed that a hospital patient is watching him from over a nearby embankment. He managed to step on the hubcap in which he had carefully placed the nuts. To his dismay, the nuts went flying into the grass on the side of the road. So he got on his hands and knees and started searching in vain for the nuts in the semi-darkness. A few minutes later he heard the mental patient chuckle, so he shouted at him irritably, "What are you laughing at?" The other guy explained: "Well, you have three other tires, each of which has four nuts... If you were to take one nut from each, you'll end up with four tires being held in place with three nuts per tire. This should be safe enough for you to drive to the next town over, where you can buy a new set of nuts." Embarrassed, the poor car driver couldn't help asking, "How come you're so clever and you're in a mental hospital?" The patient replied, "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!"