Vampire's One More Chance

There was a vampire who sucked people's blood for many centuries. God was very angry at the vampire and said to him, "You're going to hell!" The vampire fell to his knees and said, "God, I beg of you, give me one more chance to be good."
God agreed. Then the vampire said, ''I want to be light, fluffy, and white like a cloud.'' ''That seems easy enough,'' replied God. ''I would also like to have wings like an angel.'' ''OK,'' replied God. Since God had said yes to all his requests, the vampire decided to ask for a very greedy request. ''God, if possible, could you let me suck a little blood?'' ''Sure,'' replied God, ''but only once a month.'' And he turned the vampire into a maxi pad with wings.

Constipation

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table. "The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

Why Girls Don't Fart

Q: Why don't little girls fart?
A: Because they don't have assholes until they're married.