A man recently had his arm amputated and decided to kill himself by jumping off a building. When he was ready to jump, he saw a man with both arms amputated dancing around. He decided to find out why he was so happy. The man told him, “I’m not dancing. My ass is itching and I can’t scratch it!”
Beat The Casino
Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?
A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Die Hard Fans
A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.
Polack Catches Wife In Affair
This Polack came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"