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The best jokes and joke writers!

Where's my heart?

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast. "Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

Yo Mama - Suicide

Yo momma so small when she jumped off the curb she committed suicide.

Men Packing Lunches

There were three construction workers and each of them always ate the same thing for lunch. 1st worker: "I'm tired of sandwiches it's always sandwich, sandwich, sandwich!" 2nd worker: "I'm sick of tacos! urgh..." 3rd worker: "Ahh how I hate beans! I eat them everyday!" The second day it was the same thing for lunch. 1st worker: "If tomorrow I get sandwiches for lunch I'm going to jump from that bridge and kill myself!" 2nd worker: "One more taco and I'm jumping off that bridge and killing myself!" 3rd worker: "Beans again? If there's beans for lunch tomorrow I'm gonna jump from that bridge and kill myself!" And yes, as always, the next day they had the same thing for lunch. So all of the three men jumped from the bridge and killed themselves. The wives of the men were really sad and were crying for their husbands. 1st wife: "I would've never packed him sandwiches for lunch if I knew he would do that!" 2nd wife: "I would never had packed him tacos if I knew that would happen!" 3rd wife: "I wouldn't pack him beans if I knew that would happen but I don't get why he did that since he packed his own lunch!"
 

NFL Record

Q: What NFL record did Aaron Hernandez just set?

A: Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt.

Russian Roulette

Q: What's the loss record for Pro Russian roulette players?

A: One