Husband's Midlife Crisis

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:

• If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him.
• If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.
• If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.
• If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

Women's T-Shirt Sayings

• I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.
• Guys have feelings, too. But like... who cares?
• I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
• Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
• I hate everybody, and you're next.
• Please don't make me kill you.
• And your point is ...
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
• I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
• You KNOW you want me. 
• Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
• Of course I don't look busy. . . I did it right the first time.
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
• Do NOT start with me. You won't win.
• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
• If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
• Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
• Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

Redneck Datin'

While out on a date, two brothers commence to arguing over who gets to kiss their date first. Finally, unable to stand the bickering any longer, their mother replies, "Relax boys, There's enough of me to go around."