Steven Wright Collection

• I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
• My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
• I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
• I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
• I'm so hyper . . . [Said with a very dull voice.]
• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
• Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don't. Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." 

Samuel Jackson

Q: What does the L stand for in Samuel L Jackson?
A: Motherfucker.

God's New Commandment

NEWS FLASH: GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."