Frog Defense

I took a day off from work to play golf. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, "Ribbit. 9-iron." That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a 9-iron and sunk a hole-in-one. Amazed, I picked up the frog and asked where we should go next. "Ribbit. Vegas." We went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. "Ribbit. Roulette." We went up to the roulette table, and I won big. I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. "Ribbit. Kiss me." I figured, what the hell, and I kissed the frog. It turned into a 15-year-old girl. That's how she ended up in my room, your Honor, and if I'm lying, my name's not R. Kelly.

Star Wars Remastered

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
15.  New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
14.  He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely
13.  Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
12.  Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
11.  The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
10.  Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9.  C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
8.  Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7.  New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
6.  Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5.  Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
4.  During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
3.  Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
2.  The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...
1.  Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

Nike Ad

I’m not surprised Nike’s stock fell after the Colin Kaepernick ad.
They should have picked a more stand-up guy.