Rodney Dangerfield Famous Lines

• "My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg."
• "Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home."
• "A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!"
• "A hooker once told me she had a headache."
• "I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service."
• "If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."
• "I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'"
• "I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off."
• "I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders."
• "My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves."
• "I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."
• "The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'"
• "My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal."
• "My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night."
• "My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with."

Madonna, Britney and Christina on a Plane

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

Peter Parker

Q: Why did Peter Parker get fired?
A: He spent all day on the web.