Accidents Near Home
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur within five miles of home?
A: She moved ten miles away.
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish ice fishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win; they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
Blonde Bank Robbery
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a plan and they put it into action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car...and waited...and waited...and waited...and waited. As the brunette was beginning to contemplate driving off, the blonde bursted out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles as he attempted to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She jumped into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
Blonde - Dummy
A man is just starting off his career as a ventriloquist and he's going around town looking for a job. He finds one at a local nightclub. So, on his first night, he's going through his normal routine of blonde jokes. All of a sudden, this blonde stands up in the fourth row and says, "Excuse me, mister, but no physical attribute of mine affects my mental capability!" The guy is flabbergasted. He stands up and tries to apologize, but is cut off when she says, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that jerk on your knee!"
A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones connected to her walkman. She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly. Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out."