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The best jokes and joke writers!

Walks In With A Porkpie

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?" The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday." The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday." Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

A Black Guy In A Bar

A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up and says "where the hell did you get that thing? The Parrot replies "Over in Africa, there's millions of them !! "

Blind Man Visits Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

The Name

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, "What's the name of your penis?"

Guy:  Look, I'm not into any of that.  All I want is a drink.

Waiter:  I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.  Mine for instance is called 'Nike" for the slogan 'Just Do It'.  That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.

The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over.  So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks, "Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?"

Other customer:  Timex!

First guy:  Why Timex?

Other guy:  Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.

First guy: What's the name of your penis?

Second guy:  Ford!  Because quality is job #1!  Have you driven a Ford lately?

Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.

Guy:  Bartender!  The name of my penis is "Secret'!

Waiter:  (pouring beer)  Why 'Secret'?

Guy:  (proudly)  Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

Mandatory Necktie

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."