We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Goose in a Bar

A grey goose walks into a bar and says "I'd like a scotch on the rocks." The bartender looks at the goose funny, but goes to get him his drink anyway. The bartender continues to look at the goose so the goose asks, "Hey, what's your deal? Why do you keep looking at me like that?" The bartender says, "Besides the fact that you are a talking goose? Well I actually have a drink named after you? The grey goose replies, "You have a drink named Ron?"

Grasshopper Walks Into a Bar

So this grasshopper walks into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says "Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!".  The grasshopper says "Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!"

Penguin Jobs

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich and a pint! The bartender is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life. The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road. Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the bar. One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the ringmaster. He starts chatting to the barman and learns of the talking penguin who frequents his establishment. Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is true then he would draw in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic bird. The barman says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly lunchtime. So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits. Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna sandwich. The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to introduce himself to the amazing bird. "Hello there," said the Ringmaster, "I run the circus that's in town and I am always on the lookout for new talent. Can I offer you a job?" "Is it that big tent in the park?" said the penguin. "Yes," replied the Ringmaster. "The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and ropes?" "Yes, Yes my feathered friend." "Don't be daft," said the penguin. "I'm a plasterer!" and walked back to the building site.

The Duck in the Bar

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes."

"Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down.

"Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!" The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!"

"Got any nails?"

"OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? A HARDWARE STORE?"

"Good, got any grapes?"

Highly Skilled Fly

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly, "we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."