Animal Jokes

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.  The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.  

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.  Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.  He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.  One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.  He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.  

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.  He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.  "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

Q: What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow?

A: Slush puppies!

Q: What do donkeys send out near Christmas?

A: Mule-tide greetings.

Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

A: When you’re a mouse.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggie. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?" The third piggies says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"