Scottish Bar Robbery

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking. He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case. Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared, and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet. He cries, ''Oh my God! I hope it's blood!''

Irish Jig

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Impatient

Doctor: How many drinks do you have in a week?
Patient: I don't know, I'm an alcoholic not a fucking accountant