Scotch Please

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies  "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says  "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies  "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

Top Signs You're an Alcoholic

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. You fall off the floor.
6. That damn pink elephant followed you home again.
7. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
8. Your career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

Bear and a Deer

Q: What do you get when you cross a bear with a deer?
A: Beer