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New Alcohol Labeling Laws

Alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked..

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WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

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Grounded

Growing up, my parents never grounded me unless they were really really mad. I can remember the first time they caught me drinking under age. Mom freaked out and grounded me for a month, but I guess that was a reasonable response for a parent of a second grader.

Too Much Whiskey

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your house burnt down!" So he runs outside but then he thinks, "I don't have a house." So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey. Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!" And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, "I don't have a dad." So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!" So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, "My name's not Bill."

French Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?' asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Top 10 Signs You are Too Drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

4. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

3. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

2. Roseanne looks good.

1. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.