Too Much Whiskey
A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your house burnt down!" So he runs outside but then he thinks, "I don't have a house." So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey. Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!" And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, "I don't have a dad." So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!" So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, "My name's not Bill."
French Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?' asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Top 10 Signs You are Too Drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
4. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
3. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
2. Roseanne looks good.
1. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts!"
Free Drinks for Everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."