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The best jokes and joke writers!

Proctology Profit

Q: What kind of a car does a proctologist drive?

A: A brown Probe!

The Gay Guys and the Proctologist

Two gay guys are sitting at a little pub looking out the window in a small town. This guy walks by, and the one guy says to the other, "Who is that?" The other man says, "That's the new proctologist." He replies, "Well, I've got to meet him." The next day, he makes an appointment and goes in to see him. The doctor asks him, "What's the problem?" and he replies, "I have a terrible pain in my butt." The doctor says, "Well, let's take a look at it." So he bends over, and the doctor gets down to look in his ass, and he says, "Oh My God! There's a stick up your ass." The gay man then says, "Well, pull it out, pull it out! So he start to pull it out, and notices that it has thorns on it. "Oh my God! There are thorns on it? Well, pull it out, pull it out!" As he pulls it out, he see it's a rose. "Oh my God! It's a rose!" As the gay man exclaims, "Well, read the card, read the card!"

Who's the Boss?

The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss, since I control what the person thinks."

The hands said, "I should be boss because I do almost everything for the person."

The legs declared, "I should be boss since I carry the body and all the weight is on me."

So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.Then the Asshole spoke up, "I think I should be boss, because.."

He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him.

"You, an asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!"

The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not take it anymore.

"Ok, ok, you're the boss!" They gave in. So the asshole became the boss of the body.

The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, you just need to be an asshole.

Where's My Cookie

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie, and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined at the next visit, the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie, and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie, and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!

Things to do visiting your Therapist

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

  1.  Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
  2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
  3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
  4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.  
  5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"  
  6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
  7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.  
  8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!".  
  9. Sit underneath your chair.
  10. Stand on your head.
  11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist, eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall; Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
  12. Never stop smiling.
  13. Scream every word.
  14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
  15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
  16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
  17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
  18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
  19. Eat his books.
  20. Talk to his leg.
  21. Don't face him when he talks to you. 
  22. Talk really slowly.
  23. Try to eat your hand.
  24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
  25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
  26. Pretend you hear music.
  27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
  28. Pretend to drink.
  29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.