A No-Frills Airline

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

• They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
• All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
• Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
• If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
• You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
• Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
• The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
• When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
• No movie. Don't need one.
• Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
• You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel. 

Ponder These

• If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
• Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
• Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
• Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
• Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.
• What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
• Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

Engaged To Kate and Edith

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate.
They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him, "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."