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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Barber

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord. "The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community. "The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a House of Representatives member came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 House Democrats in front of the door.

Expert on Parenting

The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent - education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

The Six-Pack

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off the high rise and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it."

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve`s wife gave it to me."

"That`s unbelievable," Charlie says "You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`

She said, `No, I`m not a widow.'

And I said, 'Wanna bet me a six-pack?'"

It"s The Butcher.

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only 20 dollars to spend. The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only 20 dollars. "But, there is a possibility!" he said. And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, "You can have this myna bird for 20 dollars, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'... that's the limit of his vocabulary." The lady was ecstatic. She paid the 20 dollars, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage , bird seed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door. "Who is it!?" shrieked the myna bird. "It's the butcher!"  said the man. "Who is it!?" repeated the bird. "Lady, it's the butcher!"  "Who is it!?" "Lady, it's the butcher!" "Who is it!?" (now exasperated beyond limit) "Lady! I said it's the GXxxXaXxed butcher!" "Who is it!?" Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door. The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says "Oh my god! Who is it?!" ... and the myna bird promptly says, "It's the butcher!!!"

The Missionary!

A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture. The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do math. He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives. They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree". The native repeats, "Tree". They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush". The native repeats the word, "Bush". They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple having sex. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does. The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?" And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act. The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people!  WHY did you kill those two people?!  I told you that they were riding a bicycle!" The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"